[The Game Doctor has been a legend in the electronic gaming industry since he debuted in the world's first video/computer game publication, "Electronic Games" in 1981. He has answered software-related questions in more than a dozen magazines and gaming sites. As a long-time fan of POSTAL, he has made periodic pilgrimages to the gopostal.com site and now returns to answer questions for The Urinal. Doctor, your patients await… The Gimp]

Hanging Out (or not) With The Dude

-But notice how freakishly HUGE
the censored sign is??

So, it's already time for another visit to the Dok-tah, I see. Now I'll be perfectly honest with you – I studied Game Medicine rather than human or veterinarian care for a very good reason – I don't like dealing with disgusting body parts. Oh, some are better than others (I've had some Game Nurses, for example, who had some excellent body parts and I was more than happy to study them in detail), but once you become a doctor, people tend to come to you with blood and other upsetting bumps and bruises on their flesh.

Plus, they actually have an expectation that you're going to heal them! Games, I've found, can be sliced, diced and otherwise mutilated without requiring even a drop of anesthesia or uttering a bit of a complaint. Forget that; my preference is to get good and anesthetized myself before hitting the operating room.

And now I find myself being questioned on the subject of the Dude's… manhood, courtesy of a letter from our long-time patient Soulful A:

Q: Hey, finally got a new fan for my Nvidia 350 Ti card, so to play POSTAL 2. Not sure I enjoy it as much as the first one. I think the 3rd person adds a lot to it, really didn't care for the 1st person view. Thought the peeing was cool at first, no one has to pee that often though. I think it was one of the Duke Nuke 'ems you could pee, and it would increase your health a point or two, nothing such like that here. Thought the vomiting of the people you pee on was neat, but you can only do that so much too.

One thing I didn't understand about the game, if you can decapitate someone with a shovel or eat a grenade, why censor the 3rd person view of Postal Dude's winkie? If RWS is going to push the envelope with the gore and senseless violence, why censor anything? Not that I want to see man meat or anything mind you, just made no sense to stop short like that.

So what's the next RWS release?

Rws' previous "release." Apparently Tali-piss is highly acidic!

A: Okay, so you snuck in a second question, but don't think I enjoyed going to RWS with your primary question. The Postalmeister snorted at the inquiry: "We wouldn't have made it into the three stores that DID carry us if we'd gone for full frontal shlong. Besides, I like the poignant irony that in America you can blow people's heads off all day, but nudity is SICK AND WRONG!"

I also checked with MikeJ, whose response was more succinct: " No one ever wanted to model the Dude's cock. We didn't censor it… it just wasn't done."

To which the Postalmeister added, regarding his original comments: "It's true. Those considerations really never mattered because, like Mike said, none of us was interested in looking at the Dude's dick for 14 months..."

So they just… cut it. Which explains further why I'm not a REAL Doctor – or even a real Moil.

Oh yeah, Soul, we also take issue with the idea that Duke Nukem whipped it out and sprayed the Yellow River over friends and foes in ANY of his games. Or, as the Postalmeister put it: " Duke never pissed. You could bump into a toilet and hear a flushing noise. Whee."

As for POSTAL 3, it is currently in development and we've got it aimed directly down the throat of the XBox 360. If I were you, I'd already be bugging retailers and Microsoft…

Vince poses with the winner of a Japanese
Postal multiplayer tournament

*

Okay, gang, that's it for The Game Doctor. We'll be back next month, just like the guy who reads your electric meter. In the meantime, in between time, you can find answers to the most Frequently Asked Questions, check out the official GoPostal.com site. But send any new questions regarding RWS, the POSTAL franchise and anything else that occurs to you to: GameDoctorKunkel@gopostal.com.