POSTAL BULLETS
News From The Postal Underworld
 AW Finally Sees Release - Only to Find Relief Elusive
I know, I know, you've read it all before. "Apocalypse Weekend", the long sought-after conclusion to the POSTAL 2 storyline, is ready. The difference this time? This time AW really IS ready! In fact, you can go directly to the Postal Store and purchase the ultimate add-on disk to the P2 series
Err, Keep yer pants on, Postal fans!
Once again, the geniuses at RWS have managed to spill acid on their own crotches and they've passed the incompetance on to you, the consumer! That's right, due to utter stupidity on our part, the European and American release of Apocalypse Weekend has a minor blockage in its urethra. Players will find that they are unable to urinate in the game! D'oh!
We will correct this genetic defect in the next print run, but for the rest of you, there is a cure! Just head to gopostal.com, download "Patch Number One: PP" and everything will be right as golden rain. We apologize for this gross oversight, but hey, it's not easy being functional crackheads! Now, if you'll excuse us, we have an appointment in the Gimp cage..."
RWS Raids E3 One More Time…
E3 2005, the year's really big show in terms of the electronic entertainment industry, has come and gone. We, as usual, were slinking about the place, making trouble whenever possible. For a look at the team in action, check out our photo spread. Not ALL of us, of course - I got to stay in that dumb pit watching the whole thing on G4TV.
But for a few more personal perspectives, here's what Vince and the Postalmeister thought of the event:
Vince Desi's E3 Impressions:
Big, really Big show. I have been attending E3 since its inception and before that, attended the old CES Game Shows since 1982. The thing I noticed most was all the international visitors, people from everywhere - Russia, Mexico, South America, Eastern Europe, Asia, India - it was better than visiting the United Nations.
The big news were the new consoles - Playstation 3, the Xbox 2 (360), and the new Revolution from Nintendo. Take your pick, they will all be great machines; the bottom line, as always, is who has the better games. The most creative and innovative new title I saw was on PC. It's called Hellgate: London by Flagship Studios, a new dev company founded by the boys that brought you Warcraft and Starcraft, the old Blizzard gang. Unfortunately most of the other games are re-runs - how many World War II games do we need? I saw one new game that was all about being a Sniper - whatever happened to keeping sniping as a feature?
In addition to all the big name companies offering the usual crap, from North America there was Majesco. They've been around but seem to be one of the few publishers willing to take a chance on genuinely original games like Psychonauts. Our friends at Akella had a strong booth showing Captain Blood - just think the Postal Dude on a cruise ship :)
One more thing... on the first day there was a brownout in the big West Hall building where Sony and Nintendo were located, so don't feel like you missed the show entirely... and as for the eye candy, the booth babes? They were everywhere, but this year they just didn't do it for me, not even our own Postal Babes had that natural slut look and feel. They're all professionals now. I'll have to see what I can do to improve that for next year.
Vince Desi
And now some words (and pictures) from the mysterious Postalmeister!
E3: A bitter and disaffected view from the Postalmeister
As expected, this year's E3 was little different from those gone by. Another endless cesspool of uninspired drek all vying to out space-marine/hobbit/gangsta each other in a marketing battle no one can possibly win.
The Ghetto-fication of videogames continues apace, this year even Sonic the Hedgehog has been rastafied by 20% with the introduction of "Shadow" the Hedgehog. Sega even had a life-sized statue of the swarthy Shadow aiming his "nine" gangsta-style into the crowd. I would've taken a picture, but I was too busy vomiting.
Also of note, this was another "coming out" year for new hardware, and both the PS3 and Xbox 360 had ass-loads of fake pre-rendered bullshit in abundance. Just as the marketing shitheads predicted, the mindless, drooling crowd freaked out as though there was the slightest possibility any of the ILM-quality movies represented something they'll actually be playing in a videogame this century. Too bad the booth babes weren't flinging clues out into the drooling mobs.
Epic and ID also had some beautiful bogus crap on display that they hope will trick you into thinking they still make games, but I forgot to care and missed it all. Sorry. However, I was amused to notice down in Kensha Hall (where the Third-World Entertainment Expo is coincidentally held every year) there was a company selling these little PS2-esque control pads that you plug directly into your TV to play the 500 games built right into the pad!
Let's hear it for Korea!
Don't get me wrong, the games are utter crap and the whole device is clearly designed specifically for the kind of Mormon housewife who thinks home schooling is a great option. (I can just see the looks on those poor Amish kid's faces when they unwrap these babies thinking they're the PS3's they asked Santa for.) But what amused me more than the cheap 8-bit NES knockoffs was the fact that one of the shitty little games had a better looking flashlight effect than Doom 3. Hang your head in shame, John Carmack.
Better than Doom 3.
Ass rape made it's videogame debut with Geist. As far as I can tell, in Geist you play a ghostly entity who sneaks around fudge-packing scientists and space marines. Interestingly, the giant Geist banner shows the reverse of this, the ghost being anally invaded by a space marine, probably in revenge.
 
It's hard to make out without the pelvic thrusting, but that's actual in-game ass rape on the left. On the right: payback is a bitch.
Geist also wins this year's Best Health Meter Award for what is clearly a wriggling ghostly guy with giant throbbing testicles and an enormous white dog penis. Yes, as your health goes down, the tip of the dog penis turns red. You just can't make this stuff up!
If only you could see it twitching, writhing and throbbing! The horror!
But, as surprised as I was, E3 wasn't ALL gloom and horror and rape and gangstas! Nope, there were actually some brief shining examples actually worth caring about. Top of the list is Yoot Saito's Odama. Now, I dunno who Yoot Saito is, maybe he invented the tamagotchi or tentacle rape, I'm not sure. But the game proves it's still possible to create fun without the aid of fairies, power armor or Fifty Cent. It's hard to describe, so I'll just confuse the fuck out of you with some disjointed words and phrases like: Pinball, huge armies, mass destruction, hamburgers and voice-controlled.
 
Left: The latest in the famous Yoot Saito franchise. Right: buncha cool stuff.
Another thing that surprisingly didn't suck was The Incredibles: Rise of the Underminer which sported ACTUAL co-op play that mattered, not just both characters on screen shooting at the same time. Also good was Aeon Flux, which looked kinda crappy, but had cool gameplay, a tradeoff I'll happily settle for. Hopefully there'll be a cheat to play as "classic" Aeon, because the movie tie-in is wearing WAY too many clothes.
In the "interesting but not really fun" category we have Stubbs the Zombie, which is a great concept but let's hope they polish the gameplay before release. Shambling slowly, painfully up to each redneck as he rails you with shotgun blasts until you're close enough to bite his head isn't exactly great fun. There was also a new entry in the doddering Evil Dead franchise, which actually has promise due to the addition of a Mini-Me sized half-deadite sidekick for Ash to kick around and abuse. The only complaint I had was that whoever wrote the one-liners for the game desperately needs to go to the George Broussard school of stealing one liners from Evil Dead, because "you'll get over it" doesn't exactly make me clutch my ribs with laughter.
I also got to tag along with Gary Coleman and the Postal Babes for a few hours. It was funny the way every time we stopped walking, the entire population of Japan would appear from nowhere like ninjas and start snapping pictures. I guess Gary is the Japanese David Hasslehoff. Oh yeah, and it's official. I actually overheard a guy say: "Look, it's Gary Coleman! I gots to get a picture with Webster!"
So, another E3 under my belt and what have I learned? The same thing I learned at the first one. I really like Boobs. A lot.
Unfortunately, the Postalmeister doesn't show up on film.
A "Classic" Cover for POSTAL Mac Fans
POSTAL: Classic & Uncut for the Macintosh is the subject of the cover on the next issue of Macworld.
Apocalypse Weekend chillingly predicts Japanese Scythe holocaust!
Well, they can't blame us this time, since AW hasn't been released in Japan yet. Not that that will stop them. Check out the latest in real world violence and then tell us how awful it is to have rendered bits of on-screen animation chopping one another up
http://www.yomiuri.co.jp/newse/20050531wo23.htm
By the way, if you enjoy these bizarre Real World news stories, check out the front page of the GoPostal.com site.
Vince Spins Interview in Deutschland
The raves from users are still pouring in from Vince's latest interview with the German game press. It probably won't be as impressive if you're only literate in English (or maybe not even that!), but it can be located at www.krawall.de. Not only that, but Chefredakteur (I think that's "editor-in-chief" in German) Andre' Peschke was good enough to forward the following user comments (translated, of course):
"That guy is simply great. Very good interview! Fun to read"
"One hell of an article. I like that guy"
"Nice article"
"I don't like Postal but the article was fun"
"Absolutely brilliant…postal 3 is gonna rock…and that guy is really crazy, I've got to admit that"
"Absolutely fantastic interview. Smashing, ingenious, super - Desi's brilliant"
"Good Interview, good news . very well done K, you're great. RWS are simply gigantic"
"The game is absolutely cool. But that guy's really sick ;)"
Obviously, Vince comes across the same in any language.
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