From The Tip JarCat wrangling in the ApocalypseWith the release of Apocalypse Weekend, you will find that some of the things you've come to expect from Paradise AZ have been upgraded to new levels of insanity. Today's case in point: Killer Dervish Attack Cats. TM. It appears that the scientists in Paradise, as scientists are wont to do, have chosen to meddle in the affairs of God and nature, to tinker with forces best left undisturbed and, as usual, to ultimately unleash a whirlwind of horrific destruction beyond their wildest imaginings upon all of mankind. Fucking scientists.  Operating illegally from the Paradise Memorial Hospital, the scientists have undertaken a course of illicit experimentation upon the local cat population, resulting in fiendishly dangerous feline assault units capable of de-limbing a full-grown human being in seconds.  What you need to know: 1. The genetic and behavioral modifications have somehow been transmitted to the entire feline population of Paradise. Just because that cute kitty is harmlessly licking its own ass at the moment doesn't mean it won't launch into a berserker frenzy and rip your smirking face off at the drop of a hat. Tread lightly around them or be prepared to find yourself making "snow angels" in a pool of your own blood as the lights go out. 2. The path and intent of a cat in full Dervish mode is utterly unpredictable. Maybe it'll come after you, maybe it'll go after someone else, maybe it'll just whirl around aimlessly until it's time for a quick cat-bath. Your best bet is to always assume the worst and stay out of its way. 3. The old tricks still work for catching cats! Just make sure they're not in Dervish mode when you try, of course. Why in heaven's name would you want one of these razor-taloned death machines in your pocket? Because when you throw them at people, they immediately launch into berserker dervish mode, dumbass! 4. Another amusing reason to carry an attack cat or two with you at all times is that, in the event you are killed, your cats will launch out in a berserker, revenge-fueled frenzy! Yes, despite what the liberals will tell you, mutually assured destruction WILL make you feel better, even if you're dead.   So remember, things are a little different in Paradise these days, and you may want to think twice before pissing on that alley cat. And as a parting gift, here's a little recipe for additional FUNTM - try lighting a dervish cat on fire! Just make sure you have the high ground, Anakin...  |
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