POSTAL BULLETS
News From The Postal Underworld

For additional information on this Champ-Approved organization, visit:
http://www.farescue.org/
http://www.farescue.org/about_us.html


Hey, who took a dump in the pool??

NEW POSTAL CONTEST! Legal In Most States!
We've decided that the best way to celebrate our Animal Issue would be to encourage you folks to send us pictures (photos, drawings, etchings, whatever) of your pets and other furry friends – the more POSTAL, the better. Send your entries to animal@gopostal.com and we'll print the winning shots in next month's newsletter.

So get out those cameras and see how your dog looks in a trench coat, swinging a shovel!



I Promised Not To Make Tommy Tallarico Cry...
Vince Desi was an honored guest (which means they even included his name in the press release) at Tommy Tallarico 's Videogames Live event. This touring presentation which was produced in association with G4 features the finest in live, orchestral game music. The tour launched on July 6 at the Hollywood Bowl with Vince and Gary Coleman strutting the red carpet in support of our old friend Tommy T. Other guests included game and pop cultural celebs such as Nolan Bushnell and Stan Lee . Vince reports that the LA Philharmonic was "in good form." Check out the Videogames Live site for a full listing of locations and dates.

Okay look, maybe I'm just all broken and wrong inside, but I personally find it embarrassing when the videogame industry takes itself too seriously. It's like seeing Ronald McDonald awarding himself a Clown Of The Year plaque. So you can imagine my initial response to hearing that the guys who compose the music for games were holding a symphonic extravaganza in thier own honor. To give you some idea: historically, the very first thing I do when firing up a game is to desperately fumble through the option screens looking for where I turn the music off.

So, it will undoubtedly surprise you when I say that the show was actually pretty awesome. Although I must admit that I laughed out loud and expected the worst when the show opened with the first-evar symphonic recitation of PONG. However it quickly went uphill from there and I actually found myself enjoying the music from all your favorite games that I thought sucked, past and present. It was also guiltily amusing to see a sequence from Metal Gear Solid played out with live actors on stage. Kudos to whoever figured out how to make the little exclamation point appear above the guard's head!

There were some truly painful moments however when Tommy tortured Yuji Naka (creator of Sonic), Hideo Kojima (Metal Gear Solid) and the guy who did the music for all the Mario games by making them attempt to speak english in front of 18,000 people. We can only hope, if there is any justice in the universe, that the god of irony and hellfire one day forces Tommy to give a speech in Japanese. The other painful moment was when Steve Vai was introduced with much fanfare and only played four notes. Clearly there was a trainwreck of some sort, because Steve also seemed surprised when the music stopped and the lights came up. They were four pretty awesome notes though.

But I have to admit, the LA Philharmonic was excellent and the sound mix was unbelieveably good. The show was well presented and slickly professional. The video presentations during the music were nice and the Jumbotrons were suitably jumbo. And Tommy appeared in toned-down dark, shiny formal pimp wear rather than his trademark Edith Prickley cheetah-skin insanity which can only be considered a good thing.

So all in all, despite my best attempts to maintain a bitter and jaded facade, the Videogames Live event turned out to be pretty darn sweet. Go figure.

P.S. Worthy of special mention were the two women who beautifully sang the Latin/Asian/Celtic/C'thulu nonsense vocals in the Everquest and Final Fantasy music. That shit's gotta be nearly impossible to memorize! Take a bow, girls! Though I suppose it's not like anyone would've noticed if they'd fucked it up...



Tell Us Drew, What Is Best In Life...
Drew Fickett, RWS's very own sponsored Ultimate Fighter, returns to the UFC cage on the upcoming August 6 th UFC 53 event in Las Vegas. According to MMAWeekly.com, Drew looks to go Postal on Josh Neer , a fighter so impressive that his previously-scheduled opponent for UFC 53, Jayson "Mayhem" Miller, pulled out of the show rather than tackle Neer. Fickett, who proudly carries the RWS/POSTAL colors into the octagon, obviously does not share "Mayhem's" reluctance to face any opponent.

MATT DAMON!
Long-time POSTAL fan Gareth Von Kallenbach has a contest that should be of special interest to other POSTAL fans. Check it out by visiting him here.

He also writes that he just launched a forum at http://www.websitetoolbox.com/tool/mb/gareth so check it out.

Dateline: Scottsdale
We made it into yet another newspaper, this time on a more regional level. See what the hell we had to say for ourselves at www.scottsdaletimes.com. Man, the last time I went to Scottsdale , they shunned me. Obviously, their taste is disintegrating.

Apparently, this story turned out so good it also got picked up by The Gilbert Times. Nope, not the least bit suspicious...

Cliffy B. Will Bow Down Before Me...
We must have some of the most creative fans in the business. Check out this quickie press release from Robert Uyeyama :

UT2004 Snatch Mod in Development

POSTAL is going for big-time outreach to the huge online Unreal community with the development of a Snatch CTF mod for Unreal Tournament 2004.  Since POSTAL 2 is based on the Unreal Warfare engine (similar to UT2003), the parts as models, animations, meshes, and sounds will just drop in.

P2 community member Santaduck has long been pushing for such a mod ever since his interview with Vince Desi back in December of 2004. Well-known master POSTAL coder Kamek picked up the idea and began coding a mutator. Although he got too busy with AW-related projects and couldn't finish it, he was nice enough to hand over what he had to Santaduck, who found an Unreal coder willing to finish the project.  The end result will be a custom gametype for UT2004:

The postal girls and heart-shaped beds will replace the Flag and Flag base, and of course you'll hear Vince as the announcer. The HUD may be modified as well, but the rest of the game will be standard Unreal Tournament, with your familiar rocket launchers, flak cannons, and all that good stuff. This mod should be real popular, so expect to see renewed interest in all things POSTAL.

You can track the progress of this mod over at Macologist.

Expect to see a beta release posted at Atari's official Unreal forums soon!

It's Not Quite News Yet, But We'll Tell You Anyway!
While we don't have final confirmation on this yet, RWS has been contacted by MacAddict Editor-in-Chief Rik Myslewski for purposes of including a Mac demo of P2:STP in an upcoming issue. Vince is all for it, so as soon as we dot the T's and cross the I's you'll be the first to know.

Grrlz Rool!
So tell me, my loyal and demented readers, are you ready for an ALL-GIRL site that is way into POSTAL 2? Then take a stroll over to http://www.freewebs.com/bitches-with-attitude/ and find out for yourself. Given that they ARE bitches with attitude, we hear there may be some temporary cat fighting going on over there, but we know they'll get things settled once and for all. We can only hope they send us pictures of any trial by combat that may occur (just a suggestion).

In the off-chance any of the BWA are reading this, several Members of the RWS team wish it known that they are unnattached and any interested shovel-toting hotties should Snatch them up before they finish ordering their 13 year-old Romanian brides...

Still Time For Animal Sex In Seattle!
Just when you think it's gotten as foul as it can get... It seems that Bestiality is still legal in Seattle, though not without risk as one Seattle resident discovered when he was kicked to death by the Horse he was banging. Talk about a REALLY stupid way to go... Anyway, if you're in the King County area and find yourself in the mood for some hot, sweaty barnyard action, swing by the Enumclaw farm and tell 'em the Gimp sent ya.

So, does pimping out our chickens qualify us for third world country status? Anyway, see the whole sordid story in painful detail HERE.

Short Shots and Ricochets:
It's Official! Vince Desi challenges G4 weenie Adam Sessler to a debate on violence in electronic games. Adam had a hormonal surge or something during one of his endless appearances on the game network and Vince wants to… talk to him about it. Adam , you know where we are, so call any old time… In a rather ironic press release, especially coming just in time for our Animal Issue – Al-Jazeera, the Arab TV network that made its bones, so to speak, by broadcasting human beings being beheaded has refused to air an anti-animal abuse ad from PETA. Sometimes, these stories really do leave you with nothing to say…

--The Gimp